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Thanks again to the moderator for posting extra question #3 today. I am still experiencing lots of frustrations with the trouble I encountered in conceiving, even though that is now in the past, thank goodness. I was hoping there would be more (well, any at all, actually) moms-to-be that shared my experiences.

We had trouble conceiving, and eventually conceived on Clomid. I thoroughly enjoyed the�years I�had with my husband before we had kids, but having infertility problems has been one of my greatest fears for a long, long time...I donapos;t know why. When we couldnapos;t conceive month after month I�felt like a failure. I still do. I thank god constantly for the help of medical technology, and�realize that�our fertility�assistance�could have taken so much longer and been so much more complicated and�difficult than it was,�but nothing has ever made me feel like less of a woman, even though I know I shouldnapos;t define myself just by my ability to reproduce. I�just felt so empty, and also angry with myself for feeling that way. Moreover, I�made the mistake of telling some friends that we were TTC, and they started tippy-toeing around me or asking how I was as they all got pregnant one my one.

Now we are expecting our first baby and Ievery minute�feels like miracle,�but I also havenapos;t been able to get rid of the feelings of not having been able to get pregnant without assistance.�Not to mention that my entire first trimester was one long panic attack, where Iapos;d freak out about miscarrying because I�excercised or, well, anything. I have 6 girlfriends now all due within 2 months of me, and all of them got pregnant within 2 months of trying, and in several cases, the pregnancies were unplanned. I feel like I should be grateful for the time Iapos;ve had to prepare and really�yearn for�this pregnancy from�its very beginning, but then I also keep thinking, "why couldnapos;t that happen to me?"

So many times Iapos;d get my period and cry, so many times I looked at negative pregnancy tests, so many times I still hide how we got pregnant when all my friends are laughing about how spectacularly fertile they are. Am I really this alone in this?? :(

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Well, the cold-like whatever I had last week seems to be pretty much gone, although my nose/ears/sinuses still feel fairly congested today. I switched back to coffee this morning after drinking lemon tea in the mornings all last week, and the sudden switch back to all that caffeine is make me feel slightly edgy and jittery.

In spite of my revved-up-ness, Iapos;m feeling rather disinterested in life in general today. Youmacon is looming (less than three weeks now, *gulp*), but I donapos;t feel very excited about it. There are lots of things to do at work that I figure Iapos;d normally find interesting, but this morning Iapos;m fighting to stay focused. Iapos;ve been replaying some very fun video games lately, but I think if I was at home right now, Iapos;d probably just lie in bed. Guess Iapos;ve got a touch of the blues... Maybe from being sick and wiped out recently? Dunno, but itapos;s no fun... :-(
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